Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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