The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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