I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
