Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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