We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
