I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
