She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
