I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
