Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
