dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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