I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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