I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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