shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
