just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
