I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
don't judge my taste in strippers
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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