Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
