I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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