Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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