Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I love you. Go after that dick
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
