fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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