Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
