Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You left your phone here
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