I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
