Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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