I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
