I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
