im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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