peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
