I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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