Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
