i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
