The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
