Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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