I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
