So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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