we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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