thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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