I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
