If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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