He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
