I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
