I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Someone signed my nipple.
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