it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
