3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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