so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
