i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
