and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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