My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
