i love accidental penises.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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