I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
