just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
